I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
