I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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