This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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