Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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