I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize