got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
