it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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