I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
