If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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