easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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