so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
