thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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