Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
