shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
