Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
