So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
