Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize