i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
