i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
my being single is dangerous.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
