I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
