The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
