I wish I could teleport
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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