Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
