she woke up with a sticky ear
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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