someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
