I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
