1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Randomize
