In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
