Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
