You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Last time i carry you out of a forest
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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