I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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