I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
