Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
