someone threw a dead crab at me
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
there's paper in my vomit.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
