I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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