I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
