sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
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