Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize