i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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