In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
