You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Randomize
