Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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