ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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