sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
