I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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