apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
