R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
