I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
