Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize