I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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