She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
