Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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