If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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