fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
