Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
