hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
