Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
