i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
