all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
